Man Laws II: We're here to change lives

We've all done it, dropped an article of food on the ground or the floor and had to make that snap decision whether or not to pick it up and eat it.

Do you, or don't you?

Well, there are laws to govern such things.

(Sound the trumpets, raise the banners.)

Yes, it's time for another installment of "Man Laws," all designed to make your life less complicated. That's why we're here — to change lives. (And, of course, make life as easy as possible for men, who are born with two strikes against them: 1) They will likely be married to a woman at some point in time, and 2) They must, for the rest of their adult lives, try and figure out what she is thinking.)

Click here for the first installment of Man Laws.

 

With all of that — and more — in mind, it's Man Laws II:

1. There is a five-second rule to govern all dropped food, depending on its texture. That is the key. You are allowed to pick up a French fry or candy bar (assuming it didn't land in anything), but nothing "soft" or "liquidy" in nature. Also, nothing that originally began its edible life within the confines of a bun or wrap is eligible to be eaten once it hits the ground or floor.

2. Shirts and socks are eligible for full-day wear, even if broken down over two days. Example: You have your favorite golf shirt on Saturday morning, but at noon you have to go to the in-laws and must switch to a collared shirt. The golf shirt is eligible for another half-day wear at a later date before washing. Same with socks. This rule does not apply to underwear -- once the tidy whities are off, they stay off until fully laundered. No exceptions.

3. If there is an important game on or you are busy looking for movie reviews on the Internet, it is permissible to "fake dry" laundry that is already dry. Example: The wife, about to leave for coffee with the girls, tells you to take the towels and whatever out of the dryer when it's done running. You forget. You notice the little woman coming down the back walk and rush to the laundry room and restart the dryer. "The towels weren't fully dry, honey," you are allowed to say when she enters the house. This is ONLY permissible if the game was extremely important. Anything less, good luck, buddy.

4. No soda before 11 a.m., unless you are at work and need the caffeine rush. At home, 11 a.m. is the earliest allowed. That is also the earliest snacking is permitted to begin.

5. Never be caught watching the Lifetime Network. Enough said.

6. Never be caught watching figure skating, even if it is the Olympics. The only winter sports allowed to be viewed are hockey (and not the sissy international version), downhill skiing (when there are trees on the course) and the ESPN "X" Games.

7. If you have a den or room of your own, no calendars with puppies or flowers or any of that kind of stuff are permitted on the wall. No candles in the room either.

8. No watching NBA, NFL or even baseball in place of NASCAR. It's also OK to call in sick to work if the NASCAR race is rained out on Sunday and run on Monday morning.

9. Among your CDs, there should be at least six representing hair bands of the '80s.

10. Under no circumstance, is it permitted to watch "The View."

Comments

[Earl]

Thank you MR. Andy Egenes. I am going to practice.

Let's go huntin up on Hoosters Ridge by the derelict old cars on the corner of old man potter's place.

Dear Little Earl, the kitten that I gave you for your birthday was a derelict.

Chris Duncan, if Ryan Ludwig keeps hittin you will be a derelict.

I think I am gettin it. I never use neglected or abandoned in sentences either but I like derelict.

Thank you Mr. Andy Egenes. By the way I would not name your son Eugene Egenes. He may become a derelict!

My friend (only have one) will be very impressed.

[Andy Egenes]

Earl,

Derelict is something that has been neglected or abandoned, and in most cases, applies to the mind after years of watching cars go around in circles.

Feel free to use it in a sentence and impress all your friends.

[Josh]

Concerning No. 5: I stopped and watched for 15 minutes one night, simply because the movie title caught my eye. It read, "Love Sick: Secrets of a Sex Addict." It wasn't what I thought.

[Earl]

What in the world is a derelict. Did that Andy guy (he must be one of those funny California kid of guys) mean a deer lick. A good salt deer lick can lead to some fine backstraps on the table.

He had better not head down our way if he is going to bash NASCAR or we may have to rub some paint. Oops if he really is one of those California guys they might call rubbin paint something different. On second thought Mr. Andy Egenes you just stay in your part of the counrty and let us rednecks enjoy NASCAR.

[Michelle Wardlow]

ONLY if those bands include:

Journey
Poison
Ratt
Cinderella
Whitesnake

NO Nelson, sorry.
No Mr. Big
No Extreme

[Stevie Dirt]

I don't think Mr. Egenes would want to walk into the pits at Quincy Raceways unescorted.

[Larry O. LeGrande]

Andy:

It is that type of viewpoint that caused the Civil War. Open minds, son.

[Andy Egenes]

A solid list, Steve. But get rid of No. 8 immediately! NASCAR only applies to derelicts.